This is my choice

Today I got my relief slip at 1.15pm, and the exam supposed to start at 1.20 pm. At that moment, I felt like"What The....". I am so tempted to complain. But a small still voice whisper in my heart, you already know this system is a mess when you chose to accept this job, so what do you complaint about. 

I am ya, what do I want to complain, this is my choice, not people force me to but I chose this job and I did know that the system is a mess, so what do I complain....

Because of this thought, I don't complain and I just go grab the exam sheet and enter the class. Things go crazy, there is a lot of problems with the exam papers but somehow I have the peace to calm down and solve it. Until everything changed upside down when I entered IL and get really angry with them. Scolded, lock the door and even flip the table around. Cried when I drove to prayer meeting just now. I am so disappointed at myself sometime for not able to manage my emotions. God, pls grant me grace to be able to master my emotions. 

Through God

I am getting a bit emo these two weeks, started Saturday. There occur the first conflict with my dear housemate, over a really small matter. I did what I usually did when I am not happy. I don't talk and made people felt distant. I guessed I learned this from my mum. When my mum was angry at me, she don't talk and stayed a distant with me, which made me felt being abandoned and lost.

But today, enter the 1L classroom, which is usually challenging and being exhausted physically and spiritually, I just don't have any more energy to yell. When they are all around the place and can't seem to settle down, I just distribute the worksheets and start teaching to get the class started and to settle them down. But there, Han Yang and other students who sit at the back who are still doing their own thing. I went there and said really gentle to them that please put away your books, or else I won't give your the worksheet. I didn't scold, even though they response in a really bad way, especially Han Yang. But I just talked nicely to them. I guessed scolding or getting my students to follow my instructions all the time is not really something that I claimed as a success if I couldn't touch their heart and made an impact in their life.

I knew that their have a lot of family issues and don't have a harmony relationship with their parents. So what I really need to do is to talk gently to them and to model them a good example of treating others. Of course this is not easy for me. In fact, this journey is never easy to me. A lot of time, I have doubt to continue and feel that I am a failure. But there is only by depending on Jesus that I could continue this journey and be patient. And not to forgot the vision God give to me, which is Love. Hope. Faith.

Not with my own strength, but I can do everything in Christ who strengthen me.

我在意的评价是什么？？？

我的evaluation是什么？
是IAB coach告诉我我做了多么棒的project吗？
还是学校affirm我说我是多么棒的一名老师？
说实在的，这些我都想得到。
但。。。
这些是我该在意的吗？
我在意的是谁的眼光？
我想讨谁的欢喜？

我想讨神的欢喜吗？
我在做着神要我做的吗？
神对我说的是 Love . Hope . Faith.
我有在做吗？
我有评价自已根据这些吗？
还是我评价自已让学生考取多棒的成绩？
或是我做了一些特别的活动，那些cooperative learning 之类的？
我在意的究竟是什么？
我的focus是什么？
我的priority是什么？

而我有把这些告诉我的LDO吗？
有让他们评价我based on 这些吗？

Reflection - 4th May 2014

Today in church, we sang this song - Faith, Hope, Love. It reminds me what God has spoken to me. These are three elements that I want to teach my kids. God used this song to tell me that
"We need to sing the song of Love by being a living testimony for him." Thanks God for your love and your blessing for always taking care of me. Thanks, God.

Few days back or even few weeks back, I have this idea of collaborating with CHC KL to do the project of "Faith.Hope.Love". God, is it your answer to it? Show me, Abba Father.

I want to transform my students' life

I watched Joy Tan's testimony the other day. She was raped by 7 guys and she chose to forgive them. This thing kind of disturb me this few days. I kept having this picture in mind - an innocent 15 years old girl being raped by 7 guys. I felt sad. How can this happened to a 15 years old girl. How can someone hurt a 15 years old girl just like that? Today, in church, God reveal to me, for a guy to be so cruel enough and hurt a 15 years old girl, he must gone through a lot of cruel things as well. How he has been treated by his own family or people around him, that make him treat others people the same way. How much hatred inside of him that he would treat a 15 years old girl like this. How will he feel after he did this? For a normal people, it is all about darkness, isn't? So, for a guy like them, how come they don't feel this darkness, unless they are already in this darkness, that's why they don't feel anything.

This incident make me think of my students. I was angry at 1L the other day, I cannot accept their behaviour, how can they treat other people like this, this is so rude and not acceptable at all. Ya, how come they behave like this and don't feel anything? Unless they have been treated this way also, by their parents, others? That's why they have this angry inside them. So, how can I treat them the same way as well, by using shout, punishments? They won't change. I need to treat them with kindness, so that they will show kindness to others. I need to treat them with respect, so that they will show respect to others. God, grant me calmness. It is so hard to remain neutral when they behave so rudely. But, anger didn't help. I want to be a teacher that can transform students' life.

Another thought, how about teaching them knowledge but using rewards? Ya, it might able to attract them to study for a little while. They want to study because want to get the sweet or whatever prize. But what happened after this? What happened after one year? I didn't go to transform their life. I just be there and motivate them to study for one year. I need to show them love, kindness and believe in them. This would motivate them to learn when they taste the goodness and when they believe in themselves also.

Holy Spirit

Am I forgetting God in these few months?
Listened to Pastor Kong Hee's sermon "How to fireproof your faith"
He talked about Holy Spirit and how Holy Spirit talked to us.
Actually Sunday I felt like listening to his sermon but didn't manage to do so because of my assignment.
But after listened to it, it reminded me of so many things.
I am so busy with my teaching life, and wanted to do so many things.
So, I read book, find ideas, but I have lesser time to spend with God, and I didn't ask God of what should I do. I just forgot that how powerful our God is. I should have prayed to him and ask him of what should I do. After all, He knew everything and He knew what is the best for us, isn't?

Action to be taken:
1. God is my priority, He is my number one. Spend time with Him not matter how. Ask God what should I do to help my students. Wake up and pray to God first.
2. Find a Love, Hope, Faith seminar to attend in May holiday.

Holy Spirit
(a) He is my helper
(b) He is at the same place as Jesus
(c) He work through us
     - listen to the small still voice
* If you have problems, talk to Holy Spirit, not your friend
(d) He is the office of Holiness and purity

我常常听Sue讲不想和人讲话。

但我发觉我不懂得和大部分的TFM人沟通与相处。

但我到达时，看着他们，我真的有种迷失的感觉。

不能与他们一起开玩笑，也是不懂吧！

以前我不想承认这个，所以我尽量融入人群。

但我不想逃避，我真的不懂的如何与他们沟通。

我承认这一点，面对这一点，也对自已说要去学习与人相处。

为何我加入TFM?

我曾经很兴奋可以加入TFM这个大家庭。我以为可以和一班同样对于教育有负担的人一起努力。但原来很多参与的人未必是这样的。我听到很多埋怨，批评。说实在的，有时真的很累。我不想浪费这宝贵的两年。我要常常提醒我自已为何我当初申请加入TFM,并有勇气与人分享。我的确想在这两年好好的了解学校，这整个系统，为着结束教育不公平出一分力。

上帝啊！让我在TFM找到与我志同道合的人。

I am not a good teacher

I think I am not a good teacher. I realized that my students made a lot of mistakes after marking their books.
I think I am not a good teacher because I don't mark their book often. I join TFM to be a different teacher, but I can't even fulfil the basic responsibility of a teacher.

Grateful

I am always grateful for being accepted into TFM because I feel that I am not worth it, I am not good enough, I am not a leader.
Thus, I am grateful for every opportunity given to me.

Criticism

(1) Criticism is addictive, because it can turn you away from your own faults and breeds a spirit of self-righteousness and intolerance.

(2) Criticism diverts an extraordinary amount of time and energy away from the positive preaching of Christ.

(3) Criticism stirs up divisiveness and disunity among Christians.

Be a DIFFERENT teacher

Luke 6:32-
If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return.

As a teacher, it is normal to love those students who follow your instructions, who do their homework and who are polite. The verses above really remind me not just be the normal teacher, who love these kind of students and pay more attention to them. Be a DIFFERENT teacher, a teacher who listen to them, who understand them and who will love them.

Reflection (6 April 2014)

Jesus is fully human. That’s why he experienced the same pain as us, and he can understand our pain.

It makes me think: as a teacher, do I understand my students? I couldn’t say I am in their shoes. Ya, but I need to put myself in their shoes, so that I can understand their struggle and then only I could say you can change it, isn’t?

Why do I join TFM?

-          I saw the effect of education inequity myself. It is not something that happened to other people and I felt pity seeing it but it happened in my family and around me. I saw it myself how education inequity affected a kid. I heard it from them and saw it in their eye when they don’t see hope in this world. Thus, I want to be part of the movement – to end education inequity. I am grateful that I can be part of it.

How can I be like Jesus, to understand my students’ struggle and tell them that they are able to change? 

重新开始？？？

是重新开始吗？
还是只是逃避？
我始终没有走出来。
只不过用理想（漂亮的借口）来麻醉与欺骗自已。
阿爸啊！求求我吧！

我... 该如何做呢？

" 要如何去爱那些学生呢 ....."
今天的我失控了。面对那么多的学生，不停地在说话，我不懂该如何处理。
我对着那班学生吼叫着：如果你不想学习，你离开我的课室。
主啊，我在做着什么呢？
我不懂要如何做？ 要如何去爱他们？
我没在教导他们。我也知道他们所需的不只是知识上而已，
他们需要更多，
他们需要爱，盼望和信心。
但我不知该怎么做？
主啊，我来到你的面前，我哭求：我需要你。帮助我 。。。